It has been another small lifetime since I was here last, and I have had some profound realizations along the way. The end of one of my last relationships changed my brain. I saw, so clearly, exactly what I was doing and not doing to make myself happy. I had been waiting for a relationship and the other person in it, to make me happy. But I was not participating. I was letting it happen to me and around me instead of being vulnerable and taking responsibility for it. I didn’t realize how I was sabotaging myself, because I didn’t know that I get to choose. I get to choose to be happy, to decide my reactions and limit my overreactions. I get to say that I won’t let the past dictate my future. The power is in my hands-and only mine-to make my life one that is worthy of me.
This was a powerful discovery. I saw the road forward in honesty, vulnerability and trust. I needed to trust myself enough to hold me up and I needed a faith in my power to choose the outcome. I decided that this was the moment. I would decide happiness, and I would do it as fearlessly as I could. And if it all fell apart, it only meant that I didn’t learn all of the lessons I needed to learn yet. In the midst of the upending of my world, I met someone who I thought was exactly where I was.
It was unexpected but powerful. It felt like fresh air and I went against all of my protective instincts and threw caution to the wind to open up completely for the first time in my life. I let it all in, and I gave up any idea of control. I almost let fear back in with the record of my past experiences playing in the background, but then I made the choice to decide my own fate. I did everything right that time, but he decided he needed to be alone more than he wanted to be with me. It was a turning point. I could have held on, tried to control or convince somebody to love me who wasn’t able to meet me where I was, or I could let go and wash every idea of us and every plan down the drain. I could trust myself enough to let go of something that wasn’t right and believe that it would all work out in the end. So I took a deep breath, steadied my beating heart and said goodbye. The moment I let go, I felt the whole world rush in and I understood everything so clearly that it made me gasp. I understood that love and control are diametrically opposed. The only way to love, is to let go.
In the aftermath of loss, I held onto that knowledge. I knew that it was another lesson I needed and not a failure. I got something so much deeper when I let go of that person; I got myself and I became free. And now I know, more clearly than I know most things: love without expectation is a gift, to ourselves and each other. Love should be free, it cannot be owned or controlled and any attempt to do so will quickly wash it away. As parents, we practice unconditional love which feeds our souls as we help another person grow and thrive. As lovers, we forget. It is in that forgetting that we suffer and cause each other to suffer.
If my story ended in those first realizations, it would not have the depth that it deserves. There are always obstacles, because we are human and this is life, and it is by overcoming those very obstacles that we grow. I’m back in the world as a single entity, an atom in a vast universe. My friends and family make us into a molecule, so small but also all-encompassing. I could remain in this space forever, the community I have chosen and the knowledge of what it is to be free. But atoms are not meant to go it alone. They are just one part of something bigger. It’s the combination of atoms that matter.
This is where we all begin. One small thing with endless possibility to grow. This is where the work begins. This is where the joy begins. Clarity.
