I believe in change. In fact, I am a person who needs change in my life, so that I feel like I am growing and moving forward. Sometimes change is exciting, sometimes it is necessary and sometimes it hurts like hell. My boyfriend and I ended things last night over text, which brings our total number of breakups to 4, in less than 2 years. It seems crazy, I know. They were all different though. We met through a mutual friend, and it wasn’t supposed to go anywhere, but it did. I have commitment issues, which were only exacerbated by my relationship to Cazz. I hadn’t dated anybody since we broke up years ago, since my mom died and I moved back to California. And yet I ended up spending a lot of time with this person in a very short amount of time but I didn’t really want to get involved at first.

Parts I and II:

It was intensely casual, and then he started bringing up feelings. I was freaked out, but over time I mellowed and then started having feelings of my own. I think that freaked him out, so he started to pull away. I noticed the distance and asked him about it, which led to our decision to break up the first time. This was the day before Christmas Eve, and it was hard, but it didn’t last that long. We started spending time together again shortly after Christmas. This time it lasted until February, when again, I felt that he just wasn’t that into it, so I brought it up and we broke up again.

February was a hard month for me-the anniversary of my mom’s death, a so-called holiday on the 14th. I called upon my friends to help me through it, and I got out of the house and exercised a lot. I did all of the healthy things to pull myself out of sadness. Then he and I got in touch and started hanging out again, casually. We were clear that we were not getting back to together, but just enjoying what we had. I was even dating occasionally and telling him all about my experiences, which he was encouraging. Well, until I started hanging out more frequently with one person. He got jealous, which forced his realization that he did have feelings for me. We went to Italy for a vacation, where he stated that he wanted to give it another go. I was very hesitant, and I needed time to think. I needed to know what was different, to make sure it was different. We talked a lot in those weeks, but I didn’t want to jump back in, even though we had feelings for each other. Eventually we decided that we would be together in a real relationship.

Part III:

It was hard. We are very different people and though it was respectful and mature and though he and Dante had a great relationship, we argued a lot. Neither of us was really getting what we needed because we just had different ways of relating in the world. It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t what it should have been. I met his family and it was nice to be around parents again, since I no longer have mine. I never met his friends though, and we never talked about the future. We never talked about love, and what I needed most in that time, especially after my last emotional train wreck of a relationship, was for somebody to love me and tell me first. The relationship was fulfilling in many ways, but eventually we agreed that unless one of us changed our personality, we would need to break up.

It was adult, it was mature, it was in a kayak.

We went kayaking and decided that while it might be the worst idea ever, having that serious conversation in the kayak might also be the best idea. Out in the middle of the water, peaceful and floating, we talked about it like adults. We decided that it was time. Afterwards, we had a picnic lunch and talked about highlights of the relationship and lessons learned. We continued the day into dinner, movie, drinks, having a celebration for the end on our “breakup day”.

We couldn’t really get away from each other though. So while we were officially broken up, we were still seeing each other frequently. It was so good since we had stopped trying to change each other, since we were able to appreciate each other without carrying around the resentment that comes from being together-the times when you can’t talk about your feelings because you don’t want to rock the boat. We became more open and accepting of each other. Then I went away to Utah to have a reunion weekend with my girlfriends.

Part IV:

When I got back, I noticed a change, though we hadn’t seen each other in person yet. The phone calls and texts were more distant, a little cooler. So last night, over text, I asked if he was done. He was, but not because he didn’t care, but maybe because he knew we had to detach if we were ever to move on.  My intuition was correct, and we spent last night over text going through this last break up. We were fools to think we could avoid the pain. We just dragged it out to deal with later. I had forgotten how hard this stuff is. What I have come to realize is that breakups are like really bad hangovers. There is no magic cure. “Hair of the dog” makes it worse later because it continues to do its damage. The only way to recover is by taking care of yourself and riding it out to the end. Time will be the thing that heals us, and the process in which we feel broken and unsure will hold the elements that allow us to make real changes and discoveries about who we are and who we want to be.

Slowly, I learn. Every setback brings me one step closer, every relationship brings its lessons, and every painful detachment from another helps me change. I’d like to think I am getting better at this. The conversations are more open, I am more realistic, and more appreciative of those who step into my life, even if only for a little while. I have learned not to settle because we all deserve something good, and that love is not the only thing you need to make it work, regardless of what the songs say. Next time I will laugh more, be more open and let go a little more freely, and if it doesn’t work, I will let go gracefully (and hopefully) just once.