The wave of remorse hit me as I found my ex-loves/partners/friends in wedding attire, or holding onto children or smiling with the new most important people in their lives. Being loved so fiercely by these men who I ended up unintentionally hurting so, and then seeing them so happy with someone else (having moved on completely) has caused my own uncomfortable realization that I haven’t let go though I am the one who ended things. I haven’t let go of them, or forgiven myself for the pain I caused. I couldn’t love them the way they deserved, though I wanted to with every fiber of my being. I wanted to be with them. I wanted to be free. And I could not reconcile the two, so I broke away in the worst ways and left them reeling. And I never felt that it was completely over. I could not make myself let go of them, even after I pushed them away. I have held onto pictures, letters and memories, stuffing them into secret pockets of my soul because I wanted to be loved. I still want to be loved. And I want to be forgiven.

I am ashamed of my actions. I am ashamed that I couldn’t make it work and that I hurt people. And I have to forgive myself. I am an imperfect person and I am still learning. I have not always acted in the best way, but I have never been malicious. I feel sad that they moved on because I have a tremendous need to be loved the most, but I have to forgive myself for this as well. I want to wish them well. I want to be so happy for them and not feel the sting of rejection, or regret. And so I am letting them go. One by one.

M- I loved you fiercely. You were living with someone and we fell for each other. You left her (to her: I am sorry for this) and we began a strong romance. But I didn’t know how to be with someone. I was selfish because I was young and it was new to me, and I was just getting to know myself. I wanted to be the brightest, most carefree person in the world. In your world. I wanted to shine and laugh forever. I blinded you with my light, but I couldn’t keep it up. I was not the brightest, most carefree person and I couldn’t laugh forever because I could be bitter and sad and boring. I didn’t want to be boring. And so I strained against my own boredom, and my unhappiness that I was not what I wanted most to be. And so it ended. I broke a bit of your heart, and a bit of mine. I am happy for you and your beautiful wife. I forgive myself for my imperfection.

R- I met you on the tail-end (and perhaps overlapping the unclear end) of that other relationship. I was looking for distraction. I found you. It was a country I was unfamiliar with and you were my life-raft. You were amazingly handsome and blew a new energy into my soul. It was an intense relationship. I was head over heels for you and amazed at my luck. I was the brightest with the loudest laugh. I thought this was it. This was the love that we wait a lifetime for. That lasts a lifetime. We lived, we laughed, we made forever-plans. And yet something was nagging. I was afraid. Deathly afraid of what this commitment meant. A beautiful country, but a country I was not entirely familiar with. I was unable to give up so much. My country, my family, my home. To be a new person. I relied entirely (too much) on you. My insecurity was comforted by your strong arms. And you loved me so, so much. But I couldn’t see a way to make it work. To give up everything I knew, everything I was before and move there to become a shadow afraid of its shadow. And so I went back and forth, not wanting to give you up and not wanting to give me up. I hurt you so much by this indecision. You deserved better. You told me I was “the woman of [your] life”. I still sometimes wish I could have been. But I would have broken down if I had come to you with anything less than positivity about my course of action. And so I let you go. And in moments I regret it. It was a great love. And now you have another great love, whose picture I have seen. Another American girl a bit like me. But she is always smiling in those photos. She is adventurous and she is making her own life there, with you. She is wearing her wedding dress. And you deserve this great happiness from someone who is sure she is where she should be. You both do. I am so happy that you can be happy because you have such a pure heart. I still feel such a love for you that it is going to sting. But it will pass, and I wish you happiness always. And I forgive myself for being afraid and unsure. For being human.

And now, having met Cazz at the tail and broken end of that relationship, I have moved into a new space. There are times when I am not sure. There are times when I feel sad, or dejected or angry. When I feel that I am boring, or bored. There are times when I don’t know how to live with another person and I get it wrong. I can be bitter and bossy and needy. But I can be brave. I can step forward never knowing where this road will lead. I can be bright, shine and laugh. I can make my own life here in a country that didn’t start as my own, but begins to be more and more as each day passes. I can love with all my heart and protect fiercely. I can be intriguing and honest and good. I can laugh and cause laughter. I can be positive and trust that I am where I should be. And so I forgive myself, and let go of these ghosts because I have my future here before my eyes, waiting for me to live it. I am thankful for second (and third, and fourth) chances. I am thankful for my beautiful baby and for getting the opportunity to meet such challenges head on. I am thankful for my past loves for teaching me to love better and stronger. And I am thankful for all of you who stick with me when I seem absent or unreliable, because it is you who help pull me through to the other side where there is light.