I am so lucky, and yet I have taken it for granted. I have health, creativity, imagination and luck. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I have great friends and a capacity to connect with people. I have a family, that while not perfect, is there. There is so much beauty in the world and I have been so caught up that I have almost forgotten to appreciate it. It is not the end of world because I have troubles. It is an opportunity to have a new point of view, to grow and change. And I attempt to do that now. It will not be easy, because old habits are hard to break, but it will be necessary. I would like to place my focus and energy on becoming a more genuine, honest and interesting person. I would like to spend less time complaining that things are hard; less time crying because it hurts. I must remind myself every moment of everything I have, and how to appreciate it.

I have no job. But I am blessed with time. Time to walk around this beautiful city, time to talk with people I care about, time to reflect. I am given the chance to truly appreciate what it means to have a day of hard work. To support myself because of my efforts and contributions. I have no job, and therefore can dream of doing anything I want to do.

I have no permanent residence. And so I have to ability to wander freely, to explore and be a part of a new world. I am not locked into the responsibility of a mortgage, repairs, and the sense of duty that comes from being so rooted. I have already made many of my dreams come true by the power of my own will, the help of the universe and the lack of severe ties. I have come to realize how many friends I have that care and try to help me when I am down. New friends, old ones and ones I have never met.

Things with Cazzatore are changing. It hurts. It is one of the hardest stories in the grand history of humanity. The story of Love, and how to navigate it. But I heard once, on a show that I adore, that “it is Love. Stop expecting it to look how you thought it would”. Love does not have restrictions. It just is. And it doesn’t mean marriage, it doesn’t necessarily mean children, and it doesn’t mean forever. As humans, we have the ability to love and be loved. I have had heartbreaks before. The heart endures and I am able to find it again. Some of my old heartbreaks have turned into great friendships, deep and without constraints. There is a trust there from sharing an experience, from being able to forgive others and myself. And every one of my heartbreaks has been a great lesson. It is the nature of humanity, and the world. Love is not about possession. It is not about changing someone. It is recognizing a change in ourselves, something that ignites Life’s great passions. Even love that we think we have lost is kept. To be able to love is a truly amazing thing. Love itself doesn’t hurt. It is how we try to form and manipulate it to what we think we need. I don’t need a hand to hold because I have two of my own. I don’t need another to tell me I’m worthwhile, because I know it myself. I don’t need a promise of tomorrow because I have today. I love and I love and I love. The world, beauty, peace, change and acceptance. So I am lucky.

I realize, as so many people recently have reminded me, that it is the little things that are important. Life’s simple pleasures. This city, connection with people, a beautiful, broken building, and a river that keeps flowing day in and day out. I have been placing too much importance on things that are not so important. I have grown more attached to things, than to myself and my mind. I am going to attempt a change. I am going to try to let go of these objects I drag around behind me. It’s going to be hard, and take time, but the truth is, I can’t take them with me when I go. And they limit my movement. I must take an inventory of the things that are most important to me. A notebook and pen. A warm pair of shoes and a coat. An open mind. An inquiring one. Acceptance. Friends. Peace.

I look back and see too many complaints. I wrote of the lack of heat. But it just makes me appreciate a warm embrace, or a brisk walk all the more. A lack of money. But I learn to be more creative, and appreciate simpler things. Isolation from friends and family. But I am able to realize how important people are, and I must work at keeping these relationships strong. A fear of the unknown. I teach myself to adapt, to keep an open mind, to accept change and fear. I learn how to change moments of distress into those of reflection and opportunity.

I am taking these moments to free my mind of my own barriers. I embark on a journey to cultivate and improve myself. To become a better human being. To be honest and genuine. I put my efforts into maintaining relationships and letting go of objects. I will be afraid. I will be uncomfortable. It will take time and energy and will power. But I will be more real, more connected and happier. I do not accept the continual wanting of things that my society has cultivated in me. If anything, I need less, not more. I will give the love that I have without terms and conditions. Without expectations or reimbursement. The fact that today came at all is amazing. Whether it rains or snows or all of the world falls to the ground, it is here and I am grateful.