Yesterday I saw a photo of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend, which made me realize how temporary everything is. We were convinced that we would be together forever. A little time and a lot of distance and that all fell apart. It kind of got to me. I am happy now with the way my life is going, and Cazzatore, for the moment, but it still bothered me. When we move on, and find other happiness, what does that mean? Does it lessen what we had together? The reasonable answer is no. The answer my heart tells me is yes. He told me I was the love of his life. And yet it seems so easily traded in. Now they see photos of me, as I saw photos of his ex before, and write it off as something or someone in passing. Do they chuckle at the retold memories? Does he tell her that their relationship means more? I know I shouldn’t dwell on it, but that’s the nature of being human. And I want it all. I want to love, to be loved, and to have been loved always. But now I’m stuck in some in-between place. The security I felt with him, which eventually pushed us apart, and the insecurity I feel with Cazzatore that binds me to him. It is an interesting moment.

Aside from the bout of discomfort I experienced at the sight of my replacement in the life of one I loved, I am fairly content. Cazzatore and I began running last night, and I remember how painful the beginning always is. It’s been about 6 months since I have run, and 2 years on the 10th since my marathon. We ran for half an hour, and I felt the pain and thrill all over again. We plan to run twice a week. But plans…we’ll see and hope they are followed through.

My comprehension of Italian is getting better, though I hardly ever practice speaking, as much as I would like to. I really want to focus on the language, because it is really amazing. A stranger today asked me where the Christmas festivals were, in Italian, perhaps mistaking me for Italian or seeing me as a resident (which is very exciting). I didn’t know, but was able to respond in Italian anyways, and she thanked me and went on her way. I walked around for awhile afterwards, just enjoying the feeling of being in this amazing city. It makes me want to create art, to take photographs and to write. It certainly enhances my world-view.

The search for a bicycle continues. There is a certain little shop that Cazzatore frequents where I go to see if anything new has come in. Of course, I would like a little basket on the front, and a rack on the back. The basket is the essential part, as it is part of the vision I have of myself, riding around with my groceries and wine. Nothing so far, but I am hopeful. In the meantime, getting around on foot is not a bad way to go.
I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of C.R. who will be here in a few days. She will stay here in the apartment for a couple of days, and then go to an apartment right down the street. We will be neighbors! She will stay until just before Christmas, and then return to California until May, when a large group of friends will come stay. But while she is here now there will be many of our favorite haunts to revisit, the ones I do not often frequent by myself. Her absence makes it a little less warm. So now we will be set free once more in the streets of our home away from what once was home. It will be glorious. And then for Christmas, all of my roommates will be leaving, including Cazzatore, to go back to see their families. I am thankful, however, that V has invited me to his house to celebrate with his family. I’ve spent many a Christmas alone, when I was a Resident Advisor in college, and worked over the holidays. But it would be nice to be with people I care about for this, my first Natale in Italy. I can’t believe it’s already here. 2008 has flown by with a speed unlike any other year I’ve experienced thus far. Is it just me? So much of this year has been marked by big events: breakups, meetings, new cities, new lifestyles, waiting to return to beloved cities, historical elections, this and that. All in all, I think it has been a very good year. The pain and joy have mixed together to form solid memories, ones that will be old far too soon. But the sun is finally out and today is a day for being here now. And so I am.