Since Rome there have been a lot of ups and downs in my life. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I’m doing and how I want to live, and things I can change in my life. I was starting to think about making different plans. And then the universe intervened and made some plans for me. After a few days of crying and feeling crappy, I finally started to feel okay about the new direction that my life has decided to take me. I’m afraid and maybe just a little excited. Because when life gives you what may look like lemons, sometimes you need to look a little further and see that it is just one more ingredient to make something sweet.

And so now there are three. Cazz, myself, and the tiny little Italian-American growing in my belly that will hopefully be the best of us. So now we all live together, the doctor having told me that I could absolutely not stay in my moldy, humid, sans-heat apartment with smokers any longer, and Cazz persisting that I move in with him. He has turned an almost complete 180, since I tearfully gave the news. I met his mom the very same day (as she happened to be in town visiting), and he arrived with my favorite flower. He has been very supportive almost 100 percent of the time, and has made huge efforts to be a good partner in this. His mom was very kind, and smart, saying that of course it was my decision to make the choice that left me most serene and he should wait for that before dancing off and announcing it to the world.

I had to look deep in my heart and find out if I truly believe what I always say, that everything happens for a reason, though we may not see it right away. And I found that I have enough faith in that, and in myself that I can take what I am given and make the best of it. It was not my plan, or our plan (and I fully believe in a woman’s right to choose), but for me, at this point in my life, it seems like it will be okay. It happened against all odds, and at the very moment that I might have walked away from everything. The timing was so particular that I have to believe that the universe was conspiring. Cazz’s dad passed away recently and he told me that his mom had said: “Death brings Life”. And I guess Life brings…lemonade.