Today it is raining in Florence. It seems appropriate; my world is falling apart and now the sky is falling too. The place where I was trying to work is telling me that they can’t hire me without this permesso di soggiorno, and as my appointment is in July, I have to try to get an earlier appointment, which is like trying to catch a cloud. Only a miracle will help me now. As for Cazzatore, it really is over this time. He wants time to himself, doesn’t want to deal with the fact that he doesn’t know what he wants, no matter how much he likes to be with me. He moves on Sunday, to an apartment by himself. I was proud of myself yesterday, because I managed not to cry. I just looked and him, and told him okay. And when he asked what I thought about it, I told him that it didn’t matter, because it is his choice. He can’t be with me just because I want it to be so. He said we would each do what we wanted-if he wants to call me he will, and if I want to call him, I will. Much easier said than done, I think. It seems easier for the person who has less to lose. I think I might erase his number from my phone.
As far as the living situation, I found out that the girl whose room I have been renting, said I could stay until the end of the month, and then we’ll see. She doesn’t want foreigners or women to live here. So, no matter how much she trusts me to stay in her room with her things for months at a time, it is a different matter if she has to see me every day. So I don’t even know if I have a place to live in a few weeks. Everything has broken, including me. The worst part is, I no longer have any place that feels like home, not even in myself. It is a terrible pain that borders on numbness. I have felt so much recently that I’m beginning to lose the ability to feel anything at all.
There is nowhere to run, because anywhere I go, I will be there. I will still have to deal with the feelings, the pain, and the loss. I can’t hide from me. The only thing left to do is to accept what is happening and look for something better. I have to face the ghosts and then let them go.
7 Comments
I just want to give you a hug. I love you friend.
January 7, 2009 at 7:43 pmHang in there. The rain will clear and so will the clouds surrounding you. I’m sending you an email about the permesso di soggiorno…there may be a way through it.
January 7, 2009 at 9:13 pmI hope he has a hard time sleeping at night, for leading you on like that and acting so cavalier. He doesn’t sound like he’s worth the tears, Lindsay. Eff that guy.
January 8, 2009 at 8:56 amThere is a calm AFTER every storm too. This will pass, I promise you. It seems like to get to our best places (internally and in our surroundings), we have to go through weird crap first. I wish we didn’t. 🙁 But, you have a lot of people cheering you on. I know some peeps in Florence, let me see if anyone knows of a place. Would you be willing to live in another town at all or is it def. Florence?
January 8, 2009 at 12:59 pmThank you all. I know this will pass, and it helps to have all of your thoughts and well-wishes.
January 8, 2009 at 3:21 pmTina- I’m pretty set on staying in Florence, at least for the time being. I’m going to look at a place today, and as of yesterday, was told I could stay here after all (though that may be weird, knowing one girl doesn’t really want me here because I’m a straniera). I will post any news as soon as I know.
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January 8, 2009 at 5:26 pmHe is not a bad guy. I know you are trying to protect me because you love me Mary, but he is a good man. We all get confused, and I am as much to blame for the state of things as he is. I love you for your concern. But I just want the record straight. He is very amazing, and any girl he chooses to love would be lucky to have him.
January 8, 2009 at 6:07 pm